I love my wife. We stood in front of all our friends and family and made our love a permanent commitment. I would do anything for her . . . most of the time. But if I’m honest, my love for Pam is a choice.
I know this doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s the truth. I choose to love her. I choose to continuously love her for the rest of my life, even if I don’t FEEL like loving her. My wife is amazing, and the prize of my life, but I’m also a selfish jerk. I’m constantly fighting with my selfish agenda.
Tonight, most likely, she will ask for a massage. I have a choice. She will ask me to take the trash out. I have a choice. She will talk about her day. I have a choice. I’m either choosing to love her, or choosing myself. My commitment to her, is to choose her, over me. And when I don’t, that’s why I have Jesus. He turns my butt back around to face my amazing wife.
But on March 10, 2009, something happened. Something I’ve never experienced before. My son, was born dead. And for my son, no choice was made that night. The smallest guy in the world, turned on the largest unknown switch in my heart. I love my son with an unbreakable, unconditional love, that forces the self centered core in my life to bow at glory of God revealed in my little boy. I would do anything for him.
I made no choice that night to love my son. It just happened. It was just turned on. And that’s what makes this so painful: a switch was turned on only to shine on an empty room that I didn’t even know existed. This is the room my wife and I have been crying in.
It’s the most beautiful and raw feeling. I know now why we men fight in wars: we fight for our sons and daughters. My love for my son is like soft surrounding like the snow, but it’s also protective and strong like a grizzly bear.
This unknown switch changed my life.