After I finished created Ben’s CD that night with Pam, I didn’t know that Pam began to quietly panic about what she was going to do or give to Ben. Here I made this CD for him to hand out at the funeral and she couldn’t think of one thing to do.
A toy from her childhood? Should she make something? Buy something? She couldn’t think of anything. I had no idea how she struggled that night as my two friends Carl and Tim stayed up with me putting together the last of the cds. It was Sunday night, the eve of the funeral.
That evening Pam came into our spare room as I was just finishing up. What she choose to put in our son’s casket was so simple and beautiful that it’s shocking. Pam wrote Ben a letter. That night, when Pam couldn’t think of anything to give, she gave her voice and her heart.
Watching Pam during these last few months has been sad for me; but they have also been amazing in their own unique way. She will be and IS an amazing mother. I’ve never in my life seen a love like Pam has for Ben. It’s the strongest thing I’ve ever witnessed, other than God’s love for us. The night that Ben was born, Pam was in such a state of shock and loaded up with so many drugs that she wasn’t able to really fully understand what was going on. She was in and out of consciousness. Her vision from the preeclampsia and HEELP syndrome was really messed up. While I was weeping, and Pam was just quiet. I clearly remember worrying if Pam really understood what was happening quietly wondering if I was going to be alone in this grief process.
I was so wrong.
Pam constantly talks about that night. She wants nothing more than to be fully conscious and to hold her son and see him clearly. Pam has and continues to cry just thinking about the possibility of holding him longer.
Since the night Ben was born my wife has changed: she’s more focused, she talks constantly about heaven, her faith is stronger, and her treasure moved from earth to heaven. She is and will always be the most amazing mother of our son. I love my wife now, more than ever.
Here is the note that she wrote to Ben. We laminated it and put it in his casket the very next day. She wants to share it with all of you.